“When people are determined they can overcome anything.”
–Nelson Mandela
I am determined to believe in me. What does it feel like to believe in yourself? Like you have a cape and super powers? Like water and ice, one in the same yet two different views? Like being carried above the crowd and passed from hand to hand? What does it feel like to believe in myself? More importantly, when did I stop believing in myself?
That last question made me pause and take a long look into the past. As I get older, that look is becoming longer and longer. The reels of the past turned quickly to my childhood. I was about the age of an elementary school child and one of my childhood perpetrators was caught fondling me. My mother and his mother caught him. Now, he was several years older than I was at the time. Perhaps they viewed it as “two kids misbehaving.” However, the reality was it was one teenager sexually abusing a child.
I remember my mother not being supportive of my truth. I also remember being reprimanded for something that was done to me. That doubt, lack of belief, and victim-blaming from my mother planted the seed for me not to believe in me either. That is when I became afraid to live my truth.
My truth. My mother. My moment. My opportunity. Opportunity? Yes, opportunity! Reading about this moment may cause you to feel sad, angry, or anxious because it may trigger a similar memory. This is all an opportunity for the both of us to reclaim the power lost in a moment, a moment that was once full of sadness, confusion, anger, and numbness. I used that moment of remembrance as an opportunity to change what I felt.
I imagined being able to walk over to the young girl sitting on the floor experiencing all of the confusing emotions. I imagined taking the opportunity to reach out for her hand with all the love in my heart. I imagined her feeling my unconditional love, peace, forgiveness, and support. I imagined taking my other hand of love and gently smudging her tears into her cheeks as I wiped them away. I imagined not having to say a word to her because our hearts loudly spoke to one another. I imagined us walking out of that room and that moment, wrapped in the greatest energy of love and compassion ever felt. I imagined her going outside into the sunlight, smiling, joyful, radiating. I imagined taking that special opportunity to give to me what I needed in this moment as I remembered that moment.
Perhaps it sounds a bit confusing because I chose to give to myself in this present moment instead of focusing on what I was not given in that past moment. Let me explain. The only moment I possess is the one I am experiencing right now, in the present. What I experienced in the past moment was just as it should have been because it helped mold me into the person I am in this present moment.
The person I am today empathizes with those who have experienced sexual assault in any form. The person I am today uses her voice to speak for those who have either chosen to remain silent or are seeking the courage to speak about their own sexual trauma. The person I am today is determined to overcome any self-doubt and self-blame by giving myself the truth of love, compassion, forgiveness, support and time. I challenge you to join me in sharing this truth with others, including yourself.
#BeGentleWithYourHealing because it takes time.